remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
