she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
