Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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