He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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