If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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