i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
