Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
