I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
