so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
