Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
