If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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