if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
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