Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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