I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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