Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
