Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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