Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
