Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
