I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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