the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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