I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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