Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
