How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
