So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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