You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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