Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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