when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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