Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
