Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
