So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
