sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
