So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
