They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
