i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
