I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
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Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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