OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
