im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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