Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
