my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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