next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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