Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
