Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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