my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Randomize