Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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