you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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