I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
