I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
