Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
