you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
