mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
