I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Never let your siblings swipe right.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
