i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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