Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
My balls are so social today.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
