I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
