My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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