remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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