Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
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I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
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If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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