is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
