Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Terrible idea I love it
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
