Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
