She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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