Someone shit on the floor
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
